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Mar 12 ,2015 Written By: Joe M

Top Ten Rude Christmas Jokes

Christmas is a time for laughing and enjoying yourself – for celebrating all the hard work and things you’ve achieved throughout the year. This, we can all agree is true.

So if Christmas is a time for laughter, why are Christmas cracker jokes so awful?

You pull open the cracker, put your paper hat on then... same old pish as last year.

Well no longer, we’re not going to put up with lukewarm, unfunny jokes at Christmas time anymore. Here’s some jokes that definitely won’t disappoint this festive season:

Rude Christmas Joke Number 1

I love this time of year. You can slam your laptop shut when your girlfriend walks into the room and you don't get any disgusted looks.

Rude Christmas Joke Number 2

'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house,

Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse...

I really should have invested in one of those carbon monoxide detectors.

Rude Christmas Joke Number 3

I went to the garden centre today and bought a Christmas Tree. The assistant asked me, "Will you be putting that up yourself?"

I replied, "No, you sick bastard. I'll be putting it up in my living room."

Rude Christmas Joke Number 4

Every Christmas I'd come running downstairs to the big pile of presents and start unwrapping them as fast as I could. Sometimes there would be fights over who had the best toys but we would all make up later and sit down to have a three hour lunch before watching TV for the rest of the day.

I really miss working at the Royal Mail sorting office.

Rude Christmas Joke Number 5

Paul McCartney bought his ex wife a new artificial leg this Christmas. It wasn’t her main present, it was just a stocking filler.

Rude Christmas Joke Number 6

Last year I left my Christmas shopping too late and ended up getting it all done at a petrol station on Christmas morning.

I thought the limited selection would leave me in the shit but my 17-year-old daughter squealed with delight when she opened her ‘L’ plates and ran over to hug me.

I don’t know why she went out to look on the driveway though.

Rude Christmas Joke Number 7

I've got no problem buying tampons. I'm a modern man.

But apparently they're not a "proper" present.

Rude Christmas Joke Number 8

Great news guys!

After its annual day-off, the DFS sale starts again tomorrow.

Rude Christmas Joke Number 9

Why doesn’t Santa have any kids of his own?

Because he only comes once a year, and it’s down a chimney.

Rude Christmas Joke Number 10

Imagine my joy when I was getting out the Christmas decorations and found a present I forgot to give my kids last year. Their excited faces were a picture as they unwrapped it and opened the box.

Such a pity it was a puppy.


There’s your lot! Keep some of these in mind next time you’re pretending to chuckle at the piss poor jokes inside your cracker on Christmas day. 

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Published In Rude Christmas Jumpers