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Sep 12 ,2015 Written By: Joe M

Our Top 5 Rude Christmas Gifts For 2015

Funny Christmas Presents Are The Best Christmas Presents

HOW IS IT DECEMBER ALREADY? Are you prepared? We’re not prepared. Why haven’t we prepared?

Christmas day is lurking on the horizon like the Krampus, a legit terrifying demon from Bavarian folklore that is said to stalk the streets around Christmas, kidnapping and punishing naughty children. Seriously, look at this guy, what is his deal:

That little kid is just chilling (inexplicably dressed like a rotund miniature sailor) then boom, he’s bundled into a wicker laundry basket (we assume) by this mega demon and taken away. No Nintendo 64, no Playstation, just a few days of unrelenting misery administered by literally the most terrifying thing to ever exist. Those apples must be absolutely delicious for his sister not to have noticed the huge demon packing her brother away like a soiled towel.

As we were saying, December is here, Christmas is on the horizon, and of course, you’ve done nothing to prepare for it. This isn’t how you imagined your life would turn out, ambling along, never organised, never arranging anything in advance, mindlessly groping in the darkness of adulthood, praying you’ll discover a guiding light.

Well guess what? We are that light. Here’s 5 funny Christmas presents that will entertain and amuse your friends, girlfriend, boyfriend, mum, dad and whoever you decide is worthy of sacrificing a small part of your meagre salary to buy a gift for this year.

Rude Christmas Jumper

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Our jumpers are appropriate for any festive day (we covered this here if you’re interested), and they make the perfect gift for anyone who doesn’t take things too seriously. Whether it’s the best selling Santa Always Comes Down The Chimney option or our hilarious White Christmas design, you’re sure to make someone’s day this year with a Rude Christmas Jumper.

Personalised Pork Pie

Finally, a fitting trophy to most important people in your life is here in the form of this personalised pork pie. Christmas cards are great and all, but you can’t eat them can you? Well you can, but it might ruin the festive period somewhat if you spend it struggling to pass a mass of cardboard and ink housed in your lower intestine.

Say it with love. Say it with a girthy cillindar of pork wrapped in pastry.

Christmas Willy Warmer


Winter is a nightmare for men everywhere. It’s cold, and as we all know, the cold is the sworn enemy of a man’s nether regions. They hate each other. We’re talking Rangers/Celtic, Churchill/Hitler kind of hatred. Luckily, you can solve this pressing issue for the man in your life by giving him this woolen willy warmer for his weather-withered wanger (try say that quickly). Available from NaffShop.

Willy Wars

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Keeping on the theme of genitals (because why not?), here’s an inflatable willy wars game that really, when you think about it, is pretty weird to play with anyone.

A friend would be weird; a family member we’re talking ‘you might end up on some kind of register’ weird.

Or maybe we’re being prudish. Get this for your gran and suggest an match of cock jousting straight after Christmas dinner. Simply strap on the velcro belt, inflate your rubber phallus and have at it – a fight to the death with a pair of massive, turgid shafts. Nothing weird about that.

Dick Mug

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Get this mug as a not-so-subtle way of telling someone you think they are, well, a bit of a dick. Not the most subtle joke in the world if we’re being honest, but the best ones never are.


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Published In Rude Christmas Jumpers